I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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