there's paper in my vomit.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
