Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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