can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
