She said her name was "party"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
