There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I smell like Dick and happiness
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
