He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
