foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
