Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
