Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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