Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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