1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
