You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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