Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
