I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
