i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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