Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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