stop calling my apartment porn island.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
