I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have grass duct taped all over my body
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
