also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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