Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
