i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
