idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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