I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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