Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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