I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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