GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
two words...techno handjob
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
