gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i would one night stand the shit outta him
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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