Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
