I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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