so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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