oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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