I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
