remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
