its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
