Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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