i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
