I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
