I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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