Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
