I just made out with a guy for $7.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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