and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
