Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
