So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
