i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Damn victory sex feels great
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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