I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
