that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
