it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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