sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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