You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
