some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
