You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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