craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
