I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
