I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
