Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
my liver is dry heaving
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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