So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
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i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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